a long full crappy essay/story abt me and the guy i like.

i cnt stand it anymore, so im spilling my guts out here.

even i myself, lazy to read it after i typed. just venting it out.

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haiz. always felt confused.

shud i stop myself from falling any deeper, or shud i just follow wad i feel.

both sides got its gd and bad.

stopping myself from falling deeper, wud save me alot of heartaches, sadness and suffering.

follow wad i feel, is being true to myself, feel the 'happiness' from loving someone.

well,

i felt dat, at my age and now, nth shud be more impt den like studying? and having fun.

dats y even if i like him, i dun wan anything more den dat.

somehow, i tot this feelings are just a crush, and wud get over it soon..

well, hell no.

the story is totally diff from wad i had from other crushes..

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i din like him AT ALL in the first place. and nvr wud/will thought i will be.

i dunno if it's fate or damn many coincidence, he's dere whenever i need someone.

he healed me from my previous heartbreak(?)

but still, i din like him.

as we got closer, alot of things we do are funnily the same or nice coincidences...

most of it are just minor things but sometimes one cnt help but to think more den dat.

we once got sick tgt...

(tho alot of other ppl got sick too)

but well, one point to dat.

we almost used the same book for our journals assignment...

during weekends, texting wif him,

found out both our mums bought nasi lemak for us...

dere are still quite few more little random and vry minor things which i 4get and lazy to put ald.

but it amounts to quite many which i cnt help but to feel funnily nice and wierd.

well, after all these 'coincidence', we got closer...

still, i nvr admit/know i like him.

hm.

maybe dat feeling isnt strong enuff for me to noe.

soon enuff, he helped me various things and being nice to me,

and again,

whenever i see him, i felt so automatic in wadeva i do.

i felt happy instantly when i see him, felt comfortable. and wud go to him.

still, i haven admit it yet.

until, to some point of a time, i cnt stand not seeing him, and wud miss him more and more when he's not here.

dats when i admit and know i like him.

a plus point to this, whenever he got mildly hurt/injured, (which he did before)

i wud automatically feel worried(?)

wad the heck? yeah. tho i nvr and WILL nvr show much reaction,

i panic alittle or will feel he's just too careless.

haha.

i dun even wanna act like im sucha auntie/over protective, so i nvr and nvr will do anything.

but still, i just quietly watch over him.

alot of frens say they knew dere's something between us.

but well, i honestly dunno anything.

im slow, im stupid and well, wadeva thing.

i swear to the lord dat i rly nvr think any more den dat.

i rly dunno wad i wan anymore.

im not sure how he feels towards me anymore.

his feelings towards me might have already died down.

and im kinda regretting y am i too late to like him.

but even tho he likes me,

i dun wan a relationship.

cos this kinda thing, needs time, and i wanna be more mature to be rly able to commit.

despite this, sometimes i cnt help but to miss him badly, and sometimes when im sad...

or when my mood is down,

i felt like hugging him, wishing him to be here accompanying me.

so wad?

being close frens doesnt do dat way.

but i wan us to be close frens still..

goddamnit.

im spilling all my story and guts out here. and heck, i dun even noe wad i wan.

im being honest here.

wadeva feelings and wad i want, is already here. but how?

wad exactly is this kinda feeling?

it's so easy for me last time,

if i like a person, well, confess, yeah, go into a relationship if he likes me back.

if no, den move on.

this time is total diff.

maybe i could say more confidently, i love him.

and wans wads best for us both. even if it means us NOT being together..

and at this kinda age, we still had long way to go, this might be infactuation.

but now, these feelings had been bugging me alot, and i had to find a solution to it.

tho i will not let it affect my grades/assignments.

i wan to do well in sch for the both of us.