wad a day today?

went to red dot museum wif frens today and head to bugis watched movie too.

halfway thru walking, i ald feel kinda tired, and i could feel im in the sleeping mode even tho im walking...

and somehow,

i dun feel gd/happy?

i dunno y.

hard to say but..

as usual, some frens still tease me and him alittle..

but, somehow, i DUN mind the teasing, cos i totally heck care now..

but the only reason i dun wan so direct teasing is..

cos i dun wan to see any reactions from him dat will hurt me.

i mean, i noe it's embarrassing for me and him, but

i wanna save myself from these hurt feelings ald.

the feelings i have for him is ald heavy and troubling enuff for me to handle..

i dun wanna any more den dat.

whenever im feeling sad or hurt from these feelings,

i tell myself:

it's not gd to rush things and we're still young. dere's plenty of boys out dere and oso,

we have to study. so let nature takes its course.

these are the firm belief im holding now.

noe wad?

somehow im still human.

since i still like him,

whenever i imagine or feel if he likes another gal or im not gd enuff,

it's tearing me apart.

and yeah. same old big wise words.

love dun expect anything in return.

of cos im not dat bitchy and i cnt either, i WOULDN'T be like tying him down,

minding him making frens wif gals OR

trying hard to make him like me.

but still, all i can do is to feel upset and hurt.

wad else?

somehow, i feel like hinting him abt my feelings, becos i dun wanna feel any regret lata on.

from last time, i ald had regrets for not treasuing him earlier and not telling him.

now, since my feelings for him is strong and confirmed,

i dunno if i shud hint him before it's too late.

this is one thing.

another thing is, im fearing it will also break our close frenship now.

to risk regretting or to risk our frenship?

i wan neither.

im forcing myself every now and den, to be happy and cheerful whenever im around him.

but who noes im acheli feeling heavy and upset inside.

even today's outing, halfway thru, im feeling vry vry tired..

and i feel down ald.

but i tried my best to put myself tgt.

and i wanna walk wif him naturally which we did sometimes,

somehow, in mrt, we walked,

and jiawen, suddenly pull him to walk beside me..

i dun mind the teasing or this act alone,

but i dun wanna see his reactions or the strain of embarrassment dat will be put on us.

he'll be embarrassed and will walk away from me and deny or wadsover.

i dun wanna see dat.

it'll sting to see dat

i've always said, i wanted to stay as frens and have fun tgt as frens too.

but, i'll be lying totally if i said, i dun wish for us to be tgt.

a part of me is wishing dat tho.

but the two thing dat always makes me suffer

and breaking my heart is

how much i wanted him to noe dat how important he is to me.

and how it hurts or sting whenever i feel im totally not gd enuff for him?

since i think i noe him well enuff as close frens dat he likes pretty gals..

and, well, i dun usually put on alot of makeups, i dun have or had the guts to wear something nice or dressing up.

i love him alot now, and i'll try to put my act tgt and to go on wif life in sch wif him.

becos i like him, i'll do things to help him whenever he needs it.

it's my own willing part so no strings attached.

somehow i'll always automatically help him if he needs it,

and

i wanna be dere for him always.

and this time, i'll be checking on myself too, whether how long will these feelings last.

and how long will it take to fade...

and whether it will last long.

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